Fear and Dreams

As they toiled up the final snowfield to the summit, Mallory was afraid of an anticlimax, but then he was suffused with an uplifting awareness that even this most arduous stretch was part of the whole experience. ‘The dream stretched to the very end.’ Once again Mallory had invoked the dream to describe his aims and goals. He ended with a passage using the construct of the dream.

‘One must conquer, achieve, get to the top: one must know the end to be convinced that one can win the end- to know there’s no dream that mustn’t be dared… Is this the summit, crowning the day? How cool, how quiet! We’re not exultant: but delighted, joyful: soberly astonished… Have we vanquished an enemy? None but ourselves…’

Quote from The Alpine Journal on Mallory’s ascent of Mont Blanc.

Having returned from ABC, I am reminded of the dream constantly that I have had the past 10 years and that Everest is part of this dream. The cold, the bitterness and biting winds that ravage the north side along the dusty moraines has me constantly thinking and asking the question, “Why am I here?”

It is not only the lack of comfort but my fear of heights and the reminder of the dangers of avalanche that keep this question fresh in my mind.

“They use aversion therapy to get people over phobias. So, if you’re scared of flying they make you fly and sort of force you out of your phobia. If you’re scared of heights they put you in front of big drops.

Does it work?

I don’t know, but I am hoping I can get my fear of sleeping with supermodels treated.”

The Beckoning Silence, Joe Simpson

This may seem a bit obtuse, but over the years I have been trying to deal with these phobias; heights, avalanches… Sitting in base camp we received word yesterday that a Hungarian team was hit by an ice-fall avalanche on the North Col. One man was injured, the other is dead.

I had chosen the north side because of its relative avalanche-free nature, reducing the equation of fear to just heights. The north side is said to be less deadly because of its lack of avalanche though the climb is considered more technical and a longer summit day, with much more exposure to steep drops.

“Why am I here?” The dream stretched…to conquer myself…to know the end.

I have been here before, and I knew my boundaries, which helped me to turn around safely. I am here again chasing the dream, trying to push my personal boundaries again and return home safely.

Doubts enter every climber’s mind during the course of the climb. It is the internal dialogue that keeps one going. The nagging cough, fatigue, lack of breath, the cold dry air of the night, the wind! These things work on the climber trying to induce the apathy to make the dream seem not worth fighting for. The internal dialogue that goes on, on a day-to-day basis is that which keeps one progressing towards the ultimate goal.

My condition currently is average. I have developed a hacking cough which has stripped my throat raw. I feel weak, thanks to the long days out and the low levels of oxygen. The standard afternoon headache comes when the dust builds in my respiratory system. Most of these things I am treating with pharmaceuticals and they are standard ailments from which everyone is suffering.

It seems sadistic to continue (and I don’t intend my description of my current health as whining, rather just a status update), but my head keeps telling me that I am stronger than the rest. The mountain is beating many and the exodus from Base Camp back to Kathmandu has already begun. In base camp, we have already had one member quit, with seven planning to leave soon— from 17 to 9 team members. Other teams have had folks leave as well with typical issues and ailments; altitude sickness, hemorrhaged retinae, apathy. It is empty here this year and the shrinking crowd keeps me focused as there will not likely be any traffic jam at the second step. 

The journey over the next few days will take us back to ABC along the moraines of the East Rongbuk Glacier. The trek to ABC is 25 kilometers at an average altitude of 5800 meters (just under 20,000 feet).

The views along the way vary. From the Yak camp just above BC, the views of Pumori, Everest and the Main Rongbuk Glacier are spectacular. The blue green jags of ice lying at the feet of these two great mountains capture the imagination as you watch the rivers of glacial melt wander between pools and moraine.

The East Rongbuk Glacier, which used to join the main Rongbuk, now ends well above the Yak camp and the tributaries of glaciers from other mountains have receded back to dramatic ice falls higher up the neighboring valleys.

Climbing up the steep moraines is sometimes frustrating as many times one must descend back to the ice and glacial melt to progress further up the valley. The East Rongbuk starts very dull and monotonous, ending with dramatic views of hanging ice from the shoulder of Chang Tse, the peak of Lahkba Ri, the first glimpse of Makalu through the Lahkba Ri-La, and finally ending with the turn up to ABC amid the shark fin ice flows of the East Rongbuk and a view of Everest’s black-rock north face and the ice wall of the North Col.

ABC normally stretches the length of the shoulder of Chang Tse, rising up through the moraine over 150 vertical meters. This year, the camp is very empty. Many expeditions which traditionally take place on the north side, have moved to Nepal, thanks to rising fees, trouble with permits, and general bureaucratic issues with the Chinese government. The Godfather of the north side, Russell Brice, has moved his HIMEX team to the south, taking the largest share of typically north-side climbers to the south.

Sitting in ABC again, reminded me of the 12+ days we spent in 2005, waiting for a weather window. It also reminded me of the patience that saved myself from attempting an early ascent with my Slovene climbing partners (one of which died just below the summit pyramid).

I had forgotten how bitterly cold it is to sleep at 6500 meters, and how hard it is to get a lung-full of oxygen. I found myself sitting up through the night praying for the sun to rise and warm my little yellow tent. The crack of the glacier moving coupled with the howling winds made it impossible to relax and fall asleep.

The sound of the wind could be heard as it gathered energy high up the north face and rumbled down becoming louder and louder, like a freight train passing through a station without stopping. With the tent shaking violently from the change in air pressure, I would be awakened by the bowing and bending shape of the walls and ceiling of this tiny, light weight structure, protecting me from the elements.

When morning came, I was disappointed to find that this shelter of mine was placed to close to the walls of the glacier. While this protected me from excessive wind, it created a shadow, which did not allow me the comfort of the warming sunrise. So, I had to motivate myself out of the Dark Star sleeping bag and into the -15 degree celcius morning. Needless to say, I got dressed VERY quickly.

The North Col, a 500 meter ice wall, is the key climb to gain access to the Northeast ridge. Its hanging cornices, bergschrunds and fissures in the ice are intimidating when observed from just above ABC. It is on this wall where the fixed lines to the summit start, and is probably the only place on the north side where avalanche is a real risk.

Our next trip up the mountain, which begins tomorrow, will bring us back from BC to ABC, with two trips up the North Col (possibly 3 nights sleeping at 7000 meters) and one trip to 7800 meters to visit but not stay at Camp II. It is the ultimate test for those who want to attempt the summit. Failure to reach an altitude of 25,000 feet or 7500 meters means that you will not be permitted to ascend higher. These are the new rules of the 7 Summits Club, and I expect it will cut the team down dramatically.

While I have been to this altitude without oxygen before, there is no guarantee that I will make it again. All the training in the world cannot dictate how one’s body reacts to the high altitude. Simply said, this is partly luck, partly desire, and partly preparation. There are the uncontrollable factors of health and physiological adaptation.

My friend Tony reminded me of a famous quote, “Luck is when preparation meets opportunity.”

I am here. I am strong. I am ready to combat my fears. I am ready to stretch the boundaries again to try to reach my dream. I hope that the opportunity presents itself, because I know I sure as hell am prepared. It is time to climb.

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I will be offline for almost a week and a half on the upper part of the mountain. In the mean time, this is the last call for orders for Everest Stones for the charity Global H2O (www.globalh2o.org). I hope everyone will think of ways to contribute to this cause. I hope to return from this last run with positive news that I will be on the summit push in May.

All the best from Everest Base Camp,

Jamie